Abuse 101

What is Abusive-Codependency?

Abusers tend to display characteristics of the codependent personality, as well as do those who stay in abusive relationships.

Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves. The codependent is characterized by their obsessive and repeated attempts to live their life through another, or to live their life for another. To enable this ‘switch’ they attempt to control another and to control circumstances. The codependent may often feel like they are a victim, or that everything wrong in their life is another’s fault. They have the tendency to blame others for wrongness within themselves, or to be hypervigilant to other’s actions and opinions. They may attempt to ‘fix’ others, or feel an intense anxiety in a relationship. They fear intimacy, yet – self-contradicting – have an intense fear of being alone or abandoned.

Ironically, as much as a codependent person may feel responsible for others, may feel the need to take care of others, or may overly relate to another’s moods, they still harbor the false belief that it is the other person that is responsible for him. He often will blame others for his unhappiness or his problems. If he has an issue it is almost always because of something another person said or did, or didn’t say or do. Additionally, where the codependent may feel that it is other’s in their life that are ‘over-controlling’, it is in fact they, themselves, that are the overly controlling person. He is afraid that by allowing others to be who they are, or by allowing events to unfold as they will, that he will somehow, himself, be out of control. The codependent man believe only he knows best, he believes those around him should behave as he thinks they should behave, and he uses all kinds of little ways to get that person to do and think as he believes they should. He then becomes very controlling and if the other person fights this control, refuses to change, or remains adamant in their own beliefs the codependent will attempt to control and manipulate them even more – all the while claiming that the other one is the controlling one. He will use force, threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, insulting, shame, remove assets, neediness, selfishness, denial, manipulation, or domination – anything he can in his attempt to gain control over another.

Emotional problems are common in the codependent. Depression, anxiety, dysfunctional relationships, insomnia, addictions, or over possessiveness in relationships are all common traits among codependents. Additionally, a codependent often has a driven compulsion for ‘more’, yet an anxious feeling of incompleteness or emptiness will remain  – no matter what he has accomplished.

Common signs that you may be a codependent abuser:

  • Constantly seek approval and affirmation from your mate, having no sense of self identity outside a relationship
  • Inability to feel comfortable when alone
  • Feelings of being different or not like others
  • Confusion, or a deep sense of inadequacy
  • Feeling either totally responsible or completely without blame
  • Extreme dependency on your mate, and an intense fear of abandonment
  • Unyielding and in need of constant control over all aspects of the relationship
  • Extremely low self esteem and may be very self-critical
  • Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships. Long line of failed relationships of which the codependent believes the other partner was always to blame
  • Lies for no reason. Creates a ‘false self’ that the outside world sees
  • Denies or refuses to recognize that his actions are not ‘normal’ behaviors
  • Denies feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, or shame with self
  • Gets bored easily, needs to feel excitement

Common signs that you may be a codependent in an abusive relationship:

  • Difficulty in following a simple project through. Inability to concentrate
  • Unhappy. Joyless. Unable to to relax and have fun
  • Depression
  • Sadness
  • Fearful of change
  • Intense lack of self-confidence. Inability to make even simple decisions or choices
  • Denies feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, or shame with self
  • Inability to positively see alternatives to bad situations. Pessimism
  • Isolation from friends and family
  • Believe there is something wrong with you. Think you need to change to make your partner happy
  • Fear of making mistakes
  • Feel anxiety when faced with anger and criticism
  • Confusion between love and pity
  • Tendency to be a rescuer and seeks those who ‘need’ you

~~Tigress Luv

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